To My Father

Gonzo Grozny

This is a final tribute to a living and breathing man… To the man who gave me life, to the man who will never be my ideal father, to the hope I was living in for 30 years that he will change, to many wrong man I have tried to reincarnate him into, to many tears little and grown up Jelena has cried desperately for him to change…

This is a tribute to my attempts for you to change…

Father…

It has come the time for me to accept it. To stop looking for you, to stop living like you, to stop trying to understand you, to stop changing you trough them, to stop seeking validation from all other you. Other you will never be a loving husband, a caring father, an understanding partner. But my only eternal choice was you father. I can choose differently now.

They say a soul of a kid choose it’s parents so it turns out mine before I even took a breath choose you to give her life. I choose you to be just like that. That is only forever that will not change.

I choose you like that so I could become just like this.

All other you I searched you in all these years were choice of my free will, only you were choice of my soul… And all other you are same like you… No matter how hard I try, you can not change… none of all other you will ever change.

None of all other you I ever needed. You are enough.

It is okay that you can not change. It is okay that you never finished your college. It is okay every time you was drunk. It is okay every time you hit me for no reason. It is okay you never got a nice job. It is okay you never attend a parents meeting. It is okay you never got me birthday gift. It is okay you never said that I was important to you. It is okay you never took me out for dinner. It is okay you never showed you were proud of me. It is okay you don’t have friends. It is okay you are always negative. It is okay that everyone treats you like a kid. It is okay you were never there for me. It is okay you never knew when I cried. It is okay you never knew when someone was bullying me in the school. It is okay you never knew when my heart was broken. It is okay you didn’t know you broke it at first. It is okay you’d buy cheese for breakfast even we don’t eat cheese. It’s okay that you don’t know your purpose. It’s okay you never traveled by plane. It’s okay you are not someone I was proud of. It’s okay you made me sad. It’s okay you walk around the house like ghost. It’s okay you don’t take care about the way you look or if you showered. It’s okay you don’t take care of your teeth. It’s okay that your only friends are your coworkers that are also man without teeth without education, alcoholics like you. It’s okay that you hit me on that day when I didn’t hear when you asked me to bring my grandmothers medicines. It’s okay that first hit in the head, second slap on my face and third one when 17 years old girl peed in paints when u hit her with your leg. It’s okay that when my friends were loosing virginity I didn’t have faith in me I didn’t have love for me I didn’t think I’m pretty. It’s okay that I was living in pain, it’s okay I still stayed that little half women half girl broken on the floor of a living room, that peed her panties of fear with hidden bump on my head. It’s okay that that day I even went to school like that. It’s okay that I can’t move mountains. It’s okay you are having sex with man, it’s your choice to be with who you want and what you are and ours is to accept. Is okay you have that dark secret that you think we don’t know. It’s okay you are feeling miserable and sad. It’s okay you never fixed anything in our house. It’s okay you always break something. It’s okay we talked over phone only once since I left 5 years ago. It’s okay you couldn’t find a job for me. It’s okay you aren’t respected. It’s okay you will never be none of that I wanted you to be. It’s okay that I can’t move mountains. Its okay that you were always nervous and angry and mad. It’s okay you never said any good thing about people. It’s okay you always think everything ends in a bad way. It’s okay you don’t have faith. It’s okay we never celebrated Christmas. It’s okay you never buy me a flower. It’s okay that this is who you are. It’s okay that your father never saw you, and he saw me. It’s okay that your mother never cared for you. It’s okay that you were born as unwanted, she didn’t know for 5 months you were there. Daddy you were suppose to be there, you were miracle all along. It’s okay that all your friends left and did something with their life’s. It’s okay that you stayed. It’s okay you are embarrassing my mother sometimes at her work. It’s okay you never help us to lift heavy things to the 54 steps of our third floor.

It’s okay that I cried for 30 years thinking that you will change…

But Gonzo… They cut your wings… No one believed in you, no one told you are good enough, no one supported you to study, no one gave you car… no one thought you how to be better. No one let you go out of your cage… No one in your life was ever there for you… And Grozny… you… you opened my cage…. you gave me wings to fly… you made me brave, you made me pretty, you made me smart… you made me so I will do everything you couldn’t do.

And you love me. You text me stickers on Viber even I blocked you for years and I barely reply. You send me pictures of our dog or newborns in our family. You send me landscapes from your workplace… a view from a train. You walk around the house just because you want to look at me. I never took a love from the places you were giving it, that’s the only way you knew.

I am not mad any more at you… Grozny… if you knew better you would do better but you were alone same like me now, you were stopped, you were stepped on, they always told you aren’t special, they always treated you like unwanted kid… they didn’t let you grow… And I was putting myself at the same place all this years trying to be like you, to live like you, to understand why I wasn’t important…

Maybe you could not do some things better Gonzo, but hey look at what you did? Your childhood friend Zoran in South Africa is coolest and smartest man alive, he loves you and admires you, look at us your daughters all grown up… Educated as you could not be, not addicts as you are becoming, taking care of our selves as you don’t, traveled the world… everyone envy’s you on two of us and our beautiful mother. Look at your apartment now… I fixed a house you live in… New mansion is on your name… How about that? And you have your own room… your own space with your own laptop… for your own cigarette… my mother treats you like a guest in her pink bed… but you don’t ask for much anyways… you never asked for nothing.

We all get what we believe we deserve.

And your first born? See me?

Look at me now… I don’t pee my pants when someone yells at me. I am not helpless. I have enough money for anything I desire. I met thousands of people. I live alone and you never did, I have that expensive phone you always wanted, I have education you never got chance to have. I am successful. I don’t drink… soon I will learn to drive and you never got a car… I will go to church that you never did. Because I am not you… I am made by you… but for myself… And you made it in this life, trough me. That picture on wallpaper of your phone of me and Marija when we were kids is your victory, your purpose. It was there all along, I was just oblivious.

So we needed each other Gonzo, to grow.

I will do whatever you wanted to do and more… but for myself and trough me you will see you didn’t do everything wrong… you will see how many rights you did.

But father… I can’t look after you any more… I can’t sit on other side of the world and search for another you to fix him.. to fix you…to change you… for him to do whatever you missed on doing… for you to become trough him someone I need… For him to become my soulmate because you never did. Because all other you are just same like you… all other you are selfish, they hide and lie and humiliate me… make me feel worthless… all other you are just like you… and only that kind of love I don’t want to repeat.All other you hit me, yell at me, tell me I’m not worth it, and I was looking for them father… I was looking for you in them all… to change them… to get what my soul needs for this pain to stop… To make them divorce, to make them bleed for me, to show me I was important… and I was all along… to you… Thank you Gonzo… you made me beautiful and strong. I choose you so I can do big things in this life didn’t I.

AH YES…

No matter of their “I love you” that I never heard from your lips, didn’t help. Their birthday gifts instead of yours didn’t matter, their sacrifices didn’t matter, them coming whenever I call, because you were never there doesn’t matter, him taking me to doctor doesn’t matter, him proudly showing me off doesn’t matter, him being worried about me because you never was doesn’t matter, him cooking chicken like you doesn’t matter because I see you in it… I see pain in it… I see despair in it… I see little girl in a body of 17 year old silently crying on the floor… I see girl who believes she had to be punished, in his refusal I am little girl crying on the floor peeing her pants from fear before she goes to school… I am sitting in that old toilet with tears down my cheeks, closing mouth so none hears my cry and closing eyes because I want to be in a better place living some other life…

I don’t need them father… but I need you… just as you are… same as you are…

So I will made a promise and not live a life like you, not look for another you no more, not hope for you to change. Because I don’t need you to change. Just because of you like that I am amazing like this, just because of your intelligence I am intelligent like this, just because of humor you have I am funny like this, just because u didn’t put me in a cage I was able to be free like this, just because u couldn’t give me job I found a job like this, just because you couldn’t give me money, I made a lot of money for myself, just because of you like that I had freedom to go out till late at night, just because of you like that I was able to discover myself.

I choose you Gonzo to make me FLY. So I will fly away now to be me and let you be happy exactly where you are, looking from your train how far away I will go.

So… everything is good between me and you, no more moving mountains father, you are exactly where you’re supposed to be so I can be here, where I’m supposed to be.

I love you, father.

Jelena

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