We were a show off… A tango on the edge… A movie… A subject of a whisperers… Too tall, too dark and too blonde… Walking next to each other like a music video… In my mind we were much more than we were in real life.
I was owned. A thing. A sparkling showing off thing. Like a gold chain that you don’t even like any more but is gold so you wear it… Sometimes it bothers you but is expensive so u keep it. You use it, you degrade it until it breaks.
So… What is the most degrading, the most emotionally and self confidence damaging, the most judging thing, the worst waisted time in a life of a women? To lower yourself down enough to become just someone’s… spared time… stolen time… repeated meaningless “I love you to the moon and back”… “I enjoy every second with you”… “I miss you more”… just a spare time… a break between going to practice and going for lunch that his just married wife was practicing to cook… Texting other women while you are in the toilet. Being second… being a doormat… being a trash bin for someone’s extra sperm because his money, house, sacrifices, ring, wedding in Las Vegas, honeymoon in Paris, picture on social networks, baby, respect in eyes of people that sees you with him… let’s be honest you will never have…
Don’t get me all wrong… So the story started since before he was married. That’s even sadder. When u don’t realize that 5 years you were a side piece. Someone’s fun fuck while he was planing wedding, someone’s second apartment, someone’s few times in week, someone’s show off because you are a status symbol. Than came series of delusional “truths”: it is not legal marriage, than we don’t live together, than second apartment for you and me, until you don’t even know where he lives any more, than here is May and divorce papers, than she suddenly pregnant and he tells you she is delivering in two weeks, than you become monster, a cheating slut, u aren’t even beautiful, you are like “all the rest”…
At the beginning he runs after you, than after couple years it flips on the other side so you are the one desperate, begging for divorce that isn’t happening, he is laughing that you wanna be mother because you are too hysterical, u push girl he flirt with, you approach other one to ask her what was he sending her, you take his phone, you open fake profile on Tinder to discover he takes 3 minutes to asks an unknown women out… First eye closings are always the most painful, later you don’t feel it, you convince yourself it isn’t true. At the beginning you would confront him, later you don’t because he screams, make victim out of himself, makes you appear as crazy, indecent, not good enough.
Don’t get me wrong. Let me tell you who is THE Mistress…
She is always amazing in her career, or amazingly looking, or amazingly interesting, she is always something amazing that stands out 50 shades from the faded wife but she is as well 150 shades brighter than the Cheater that she doesn’t see. (Until she sees it.) She is always perfectly waxed, with perfect hair, perfect smell and she always have 10 guys running after her. She is always just an emotionally troubled life learner. (In a hard way.) Fortunately life of THE Mistress always have a happy ending! Because the Cheater… Well girl, they NEVER EVER EVER EVER divorce. THE Mistress is a trophy. Is like when a shark smells the blood than goes for it that’s how the Cheater finds her. He is always taking from her. But she doesn’t see. Sometimes Cheater gives some time, some “love” he claims he doesn’t give to wife, some gifts and warm words here and there… but Cheater is not a giver, the Cheater is a TAKER. He takes your energy, he takes your youth, he is killing your common sence, your HAPPILY ever after, your mother’s desire to have a grandchild, your WHITE DRESS, your dignity… Cheater feeds your shame, your insecurities.
Other people getting married. CRY. Other people going for vacation. CRY. Other people having kids. CRY. Other people moving forward. CRY. Other people smiling. CRY.
Shame… sadness… darkness… i spend in this hell I made so nicely for myself five long years… I was with the love of my life hehe (how naive)… while he got married, celebrated 3 anniversaries, one daughter, many other women… I was cooking, giving money where needed and what is most important I was desperately loyal, to again you guess “love of my life”. I would take him to 400$ dinner he would take pictures to post on Instagram where he liked other women and pretend he is wealthy… than accuse me to flirt with waiter. I would buy birthday dress for his daughter, that’s how much supportive of a Mistress I was. I would order clothes for him and listen him screaming when it doesn’t arrive why I’m lying to him… He would sleep with many women, and when I will get an STD accuse me “you sleep around with anyone”… once he even hit me “u hit me first”… I was reading those signal as love… My parents will not accept him I don’t care about divorce (he didn’t want to divorce), I am too hysterical that’s why he is with her she gives him peace (constant lies and emotional manipulation blind the heart and my mind was fighting back, yelling at him for making me sheep… than later being quiet cause he always give some loud explanation playing victim and leaves it makes me cry so u disappear u don’t see him drawling over other women, remove his IG snap so u don’t see his wife’s pic and number of women he is adding) I don’t want kid right now (he doesn’t wanna marry me and has two kids with two different women, never divorced first when he married second) we have too passionate relationship (he makes me go out of my skin for making me fool but is TRUE love so is so sparkly and addicting) we need to work more on us (while he lives and celebrates 4 anniversary with the wife). The CHEATER in life of every MISTRESS is just a live manifest of confirmation for her deep belief “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH”. Is just a sinking ship with her on bottom of it.
The Cheater of this Mistress
As usually with my luck… I got stuck (I called it deeply in loved) with a very special kind of “human”. He was always happy, smiling, so charming, out in the clubs every night, knowing everyone in town, came from a poor roots become a “famous” basketball player in Middle East. Having tables every night, girls around him, “aura” of a star as I have seen it…
Truth to be told… he was close to 40 (what he hide well with fake birth certificate), loved to be called by American nickname because even his name had to be invented and his African roots covered, no best friends, evil, gossiping man, that loved to put his nose where wasn’t his place, showing off with tables he mostly wasn’t paying, keeping an image of something that doesn’t exist. And the girls? He would always take them out, cause that’s what they was for. And than out of 20 he was harassing here and there one would be naive or bored enough to go with him. At the beginning can get a dinner or a lunch, mostly just a drink from that same bottle that 7 of them payed and kept and drink from Monday to Friday in the same club because when u have a bottle even half finished u have guess what TABLE… and what is better show off of power than a table.
At the beginning… there was no wife.
Was just sweet, charming respectful basketball player with his cooking of well practiced dishes shrimp in white sauce chicken with potatoes (european style cause well experience), love movies with romantic happy endings and hookah. Than comes heating of feet under his blanket and earning trust… than after 5 months (cause well u know someone well after months of hanging out) came first kiss first sex first fight first vacation first breakup… and marriage…
Wives of cheating man are always somehow the same… same sad look in their eyes, same poses on pictures and quotes of happiness under… same over trying to show the world and the Mistress I’m the one, he is mine (the cheating husband is not a trophy is a rock on theirs back but…), same “I have any husband, my daughter, my family is all that matters” word of self help that… doesn’t help them a lot. Same fake IG profiles where they stalk the Mistresses to see where is he at. Same shutting mouth when he comes back home with “I HUSTLE FOR THE FAMILY LEAVE ME ALONE” same gifts “my best husband”…
Both Mistress and wife have same thing in common… false hopes, eternal sadness, lowered self esteem and completely unrealistic picture of the husband and cheater in one who is just… A very miserable man.
Often I wondered, does he shower after he leaves from my house to lie in her bad? Does he kiss me after he just kissed her goodnight? Does he feels guilt when he sees his daughter? Answer is no… Cheater is a miserable man who just wanna make himself happy. He doesn’t see a sense of guilt or immorality, in his brain he convinced himself sometimes even that he’s doing them both good. I’m good lover and a good father and husband. The most will suffer… his daughter. But not out problem to worry about.
Cheater drains them both, they both invest their emotions, their clean sheets, their look in the mirror, look in other peoples eyes. World pitted the wife, hated the Mistress. In my case… wife was typical. Submissive, no life, not outgoing, obedient, protective with her marriage and her husband (two times in 5 years I flipped and texted her and got a very interesting reply I won’t quote with attacking me as immoral women and she with family and he her husband actually don’t know who was crazier in that story and while we was stressing arguing blocking on IG… this Cheater was already with someone else). If we would have fight tonight another blonde tall thick European would be with him in the club the same night or the same morning for breakfast… he didn’t need much.
Why I was with him? Money he didn’t had, whatever he had was for wife and kid (but she is perfect she doesn’t need much, she can stay home all day u have worms in your ass, she doesn’t need expensive clothes, she always supports him, go to his games for you his job is joke, he never fights him you fight him all the time you don’t give him peace). I can’t remember number of times I was embarrassed of entire restaurant in Middle East full of man watching how I’m paying the bills (when I mentioned he called me gold digger screamed and trough 100$ on me counting that’s how much I spent cause is dirty all I do for him). He was tall but not handsome (but would complain that I don’t say how handsome he is while looking himself in the mirror while never compliment me). Whatever I would say he would scream and turn the story against me “I always tell you you are beautiful why u complain all the time”. He would always make u less, he took you because you are much more you are lottery win but weak man can’t stand strong women. That’s why he earns your truest than he breaks slowly peace by piece… to feel strong, to feel a man. For sex? Like when I find his chill pill for erection and convinced me is vitamins. I wonder did we ever sleep without that pill, spray, gel what else I wasn’t finding in his hidden car compartment.
When I would found women sunglasses in his apartment, black hair in his sheets, his wife birthday card next to his bed, cigarettes in his cars, “M+A” written on his windows, female perfume… it was all my fault “I’m paranoid I’m sick I need help I’m investigating him I’m not giving him peace”… He would talk behind my back that I’m running after him that he gave me ultimatum he will not divorce to stay or go just to make himself look bigger man in front of his “friends”… people would start wondering why am I with him, than judging seeing me as immoral ruthless careless, than later my suffering and our fights couldn’t be hidden outside people start feeling sorry for me… Telling me things, sending me messages…
He used to convince me I’m nothing special (when our friend compliment me and ask why am I with him), separate me from my and his friends so I don’t know what’s going on in the clubs while I’m working. The worst of all and the most strong tool cheater has is giving hope to the hopeless… some women are hopeless romantic. I was thinking he will leave her leave other women change because he crazily loved me, she was thinking he will realize all he needs is warmth of family home and leave all “indecent” women for her, decent honest and loyal… and him? He was buying new phones for new numbers, opening new Instagram profiles without wife and daughter, going out around scanning for next victim. Someone from your country, someone with your name, some common friend, maybe even someone living just few steps away.
Now you see… Wife and Mistress, two who so much hate each other are more or less the same. Fascinated, delusional, miserable women, subject of gossips, judging or pittying, victims (cause thats what they made out of themselves) of a same man, who is always the same… never changing, egoistic, miserable man in eternal search for love and approval… Both sad, both hurt, both insecure, both fool in eyes of other women he is persuading… terribly damaged… all of three… caught in a tango.
So one day I just woke up and it ended, ther e was no need for difficult messages, announcements, even his and his daughters present was packed and ready I just decided to stop. I just didn’t feel anything any more. I didn’t feel sorry for myself I didn’t feel bad I didn’t feel I need to block him kill him say bad things about him post some bad Instagram quote. One morning I just woke up and I didn’t want him. I just opened my windows, breathe, watched one episode of Blacklist, went out in Barcelona bought some groceries, scheduled nails appointment. And slept… no nightmares no trauma no marriage wife kid Instagram checking no nothing. Just silence. Not even peace just silence. Just end, just abandoning dead road and taking turn right. No fear no heart beating no desire to start conversation (I was all day out in Barcelona accused for cheating, break up with “I don’t keep no bitch” cause my Cheater wanted to take wife out for NY) so I didn’t explain myself no more I didn’t call I didn’t block I didn’t announce I just slept so peacefully like an angel just born. There was no need to delete our pictures or videos, to torn apart all your birthday cards, holiday cards, letters, gifts, all lied and bullshits you wrote, there was no fire, I wasn’t angry any more.
I was ready to close doors. Ready to dream of my unborn kid, ready to let man of my dreams to find me, ready to introduce him to my family (and to you too) ready to be happy… In 2019 my goal is just to be happy… Isn’t it ultimate goal in life? After all psychotherapists, travels of running alway, other man, tarot readers, astrologist, all a women need is one morning to look herself in the mirror and realizes who she is, what she has become, who she has behind her as her family, what she achieved in life, how old did she grown up and breathe… just breathe and be good to yourself baby.
So now please, before this year come to an end… there is no tears no hard feelings no remorse or regret… But please when they ask you where is your WIFE (thinking on me because we was everywhere together) and when your wife asks you WHERE IS THAT BITCH because she can not access my Instagram profile or when for a NY celebration they ask you about me in front of her just please remember I was your longest experiment, your worst lie, your biggest sin so when you announce your best friends your cousins waiters our friends all of them that we are not together, just stop for a second and realize in that moment that JELENA is not coming back to you. Not now, not ever, not in a thousand years or in a thousand lifetimes. And never not now not ever please do not think of opening that conversation and reaching this “all night stand” chick to make your night look better when nothing else works when no one better comes alone… cause u better know by now… it won’t. She is not coming back.
Don’t get me wrong, don’t judge me too harsh. I wasn’t a kid and I thought what I did because wrongly reading signs I thought meant LOVE. I payed my debts very expensive, don’t worry about that. With so many tears, nervous break downs, wasted youth, TEARS OF MY MOTHER, missed chances. I payed it well and have no doubt, sooner or later we all will. As much pain you cause as much pain you get. She is not coming back.
From one bed in Middle East, where I don’t see anyone’s else’s traces except mines, where sits that present for his daughter but all I see is my future daughters, in that room full of stuff that one little girl from one little villagers country bought and earned when she left her mother desperate scared in tears, with all those designer clothes and bags that someone else will wash and arrange because she can afford a cleaner for tomorrow, from that room in which that little girl will sleep tonight, with no tears no desperate calls no regret for “YOU WANNA THROW FIVE YEARS OF MEMORIES”.
Well tonight, you are the biggest proof that God exist that I never married or stayed pregnant with such a man, that I had an amazing opportunity to realize and learn what love is not and what I will never need in life, my greatest psychological experiment while analyzing myself trough you, my very important lesson in life! Grateful and ready to start over I am asking whoever women reads this PLEASE PLEASE never ever ever in one thousand years now or ever or in dream be “the other one”, it will eat your soul alive, it will throw sky on your head, it will make you cry bloody tears. You deserved to be the most important and the best thing that happened to someone, so just sit and wait he will be coming.