Your half (un)finished coffee mug

From four days ago there is your cold coffee sleeping in my bedroom… I went to Korea and came back we had a terrible fight you said you can’t take it any more and she was just there peacefully waiting for me… To leave me a message?

Seeing your unfinished, too cold, too sweet and too black coffee in my NYC yellow cab mug… Next to my bed. From the day you came to see me but we jumped on each other as usual so coffee stayed at half. We stole some of my free time… Don’t wanna see the mug right now so I will pretend is not there, I’m not opening window shades so I can’t see it in the dark but I can still feel its presence. Your coffee mug makes me sad…

I designated it for you because all my mugs are girly… This is one you were using for past couple of years let’s not count them now… Somehow drains me out…. Why is it so hard to get up and wash it… like part of me still needs something yours in my bedroom… like it means you are here… Not so long ago… I feel… safe? I don’t wanna wash your mug…

What to do with love when it fades away? There is this sour taste in my mouth when I say your name… when I recall our fights and terrible things we did and said to each other. Sometimes there is no way back… there is no fixing… there is nothing left to fix… there is something very broken cutting me to pieces every time you are close. I don’t want u in my life but how to let go of the toxic habit? How to delete 5 years of everything… I can not sleep. I am crying a bit. I need to move on…

Next to us is your smell on my pillow… your yellow mug next to my head… your emotional abuse inside my heart… some of my hair in your car… one ASOS order for you and one for me in your PO Box… a big mistake inside my life… One Christmas without what u want for present… but between us I’m afraid my dear there is almost nothing. There is my paranoia on IG checking where you were tonight, who were you with, there is me not eating, not sleeping, crying because you happily moved on before I even left last night… Did my absence even changed a thing? I was so blind, you were never here… Maybe there was nothing except my imagination and your coffee mug.

So as usually, I can’t fall asleep… Is 7 am and I am crying a little, just for the good old times… Same little girl, I run away from home half of decade ago but nothing changed much… we carry ourselves everywhere we go… Repeating my childhood here in sofa in the dark… sobbing…

Waiting for you to wake up and reply to my text and come to see me, to make an end… Before 2019 comes… to make an end… so you will wake up and come in few hours in front of my building in your ugly red car and me… I will make sure that by that time I drain whatever tears are left inside me so I don’t cry when you come. So we agree is over in civilized way… In peace… So I explain myself in front of you that is over… that is pointless… when even an hour between us became a war. I guess part of me wants to see you are sorry, part of me desire you not to let me go… so it would be easier for me knowing you are not well with me being gone or will maybe just be more difficult to leave?

Not sure but I want you here. Still want your smell, your warm skin, your soft lips. Your laugh. Just for one more time before I let myself go. Just one more time before I’m ready to answer on “WHERE IS HE?!” with one cold “We are not together.” Just one more time before I forget “our” places and “our” friends, just one more time before I stop myself at IG stalking because is not my business, just one more time to seat with you before I make peace with seeing you with someone else… I will think… we looked much better…

Now I will find a song on the radio… saddest song and I will cry so hard to dry so deep my tears to become a bit strong cause what is left from me in front of you is all but strong so you can come so we can admit each other that is over…

So I can have my babies and my happy ending… I owe that to my mother… I owe that to myself… So I can find a job I want and make a carrier, so I can stop having this fire in my stomach, so I can be happy.

I already have my first wrinkles… is time to be big girl now… to stop having childish saddest envy when I see couples on their happy pictures on their cute proposals and weddings…Welcoming their second baby… while cuddling my empty stomach and crying… While seeing your daughters face on your wallpaper which cuts my heart every time… Enough is enough? Right?

And mug… I will wash it I promise… just 5 more minutes… just 5 more minutes or that coffee will burn my hands… I will wash it… just some more strength… some more courage. Few more steps and you will be mine… we all have to break before we heal right? So I will shatter myself today… Counting…

Few more hours and is over.

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